Read Me

Six months ago, when I was unemployed and broken-footed, I discovered a feature of McSweeney's to which I felt the need to contribute immediately. I glanced at the empty carton of Trader Joe's Chocolate Calcium Chews on my desk and said out loud, "That'll work."

I wrote a review of the chews, and sent the review to the Reviews of New Food. I learned that it was accepted on the same day I got a job, so I sent an email out to everyone I know, saying that two monstrously excellent things had just happened, but, really, don't get too excited, I'm no genius, it was luck, quiet down. (Or, PRAISE ME.)

Anyway, in the time between all the news and the posting of my little piece, I managed to forget that nearly one dozen people had ecstatically requested the link. In fact, I only noticed the appearance of my review after two newer ones had been published ahead of it. So, what I worried already had been a very small contribution - a mere musing on nougat - seemed even less of a PR event now. I never sent the link.

Then, recently, I learned that McSweeney's only accepts about 5% of what gets submitted. (Although, I must admit, not only can't I remember which reputable source provided me this detail, I also can't remember if the 5% applies to the entire internet magazine, or just to the big features - of which New Food is not one. We'll just assume it's the whole thing.) Yay!

So that, I suppose, is the point of this post. I rock; read my stuff. You'll have to scroll down. Place your thumb sideways just under the up arrow and move the bar down until the top of it is right below your thumb. Right around there you should find 'Chocolate Calcium Chews.' And my name in lights.